unacknowledged happiness...

Rainy days always do this to me. Whether I’m at home, being lazy, watching movies – or at work, attempting to enable my job security for another day – I always manage to start to think about something that almost bums me out.

It’s sort of bittersweet. I love rainy days, I also sort of love when I’m in these moods. I reflect on stuff, for no reason at all. Half the time I change nothing and do nothing to fix it – occasionally I’ll make my futile attempts at righting a wrong, but let’s face it, life isn’t as easy as it was when you could pat your friend on the back and ride off on your imaginary horses (or unicorns in some cases) together.

I love talking to friends when I’m in these moods. You start to feel intellectual, you’re so proud that you finally pieced together a part of your life that never should have fallen apart to begin with. You applaud your own ability to put everything into a perspective that ten other people could have told you about when it was going on – but of course no one ever does.

My incessant rambling continues to go on in my head and I struggle to gather myself around my own thoughts at times. My mind has brought me back to friends. The friends you have, make and hold onto in your adult life have more often than not, been there through some of the toughest times and some of the happiest times of your life. They’ve seen you cry and made you laugh.

But what about the ones who, for whatever reason, didn’t make it through the years? I constantly find myself thinking about how different life would be if they were still around. Ones that were like brothers and/or sisters to me have withered away into a life all there own. The occasional “hi, how are you”'s become the only communication between you, until it eventually fizzles away.


Certain events continue to take place that used to be an annual, semi-annual, monthly, etc. event that you’d be apart of. Concerts, cookouts, random road trips - they all keep happening, with different crowds, scenery, laughs and memories to walk away with. I can’t help but think that just 5 years ago I was doing that exact thing I'm doing now – with a different person/people – and occasionally having way more fun at it.

You have certain friends you can tell anything too, friends you can almost be yourself around and acquaintances that you don’t get at all. I miss the friends I used to have, that I could tell anything too. The ones I could be completely ridiculous with and never think twice about it. I have these types of friends still – but there’s two I’ve lost along the way that meant more than I was willing to admit back then. Two that are probably reading this right now and know it’s about them and don’t care – stubbornness has always been a common denominator between myself and friends – or have no clue it’s them because I always used to be the stubborn one, who never admitted to appreciating the people in my life until it was too late.

I wish they knew. I wish that my attempts of apologies, the gratitude I’ve shown and the fact that I’m not that girl from high school who didn’t know how to trust someone enough to let them know they were my best friend and did mean something, weren’t wasted. But that’s life. You live, you learn, you move on. You refuse to continue making the same mind-numbing mistakes. You can only try to right a wrong so many times before the cold, distant response from the other person becomes unbearable. I know when to say “I was wrong”, but I’m still human. Stomp all over my sincerity enough times, I’m bound to give up. Nonetheless, if the phone rang tomorrow to have dinner, drinks and catch up – chances are I’d say yes.